It has been a long while since I posted anything. Partly from disobedience. Mainly because that wonderful thing called life came crashing down around me and I have felt totally unworthy to post . So here I am, with a little less fur, a little more loose in the joints and a little more real.
I have this idyllic way of looking at things and when real life doesn’t measure up, well politely put, I hate it! It upsets me to the core. After all I am a Christian. I love my Jesus. My heart’s desire is to please Him. In the midst of my situation, I find myself asking where is this abundant life He promises? However, when my whole world is rocked upside down, that’s when I have to hold on tight to the promises of God.
Lately, it hasn’t been easy to keep holding on. I could go into great detail of my situation but my battle isn’t yours. Everyone’s has their own story. Just know I have felt the sting of rejection, known heartache, lived in chaos, dealt with illness, known temptations, and fought battles in my mind. Trust me, I have questioned God. It hasn’t felt like He has been faithful to me. I have been to the place where I didn’t want one more person telling me that God could….God would…. I should….
The only thing that has kept me going was a sliver of faith, a glimpse of hope in my Redeemer that I could not turn lose (no matter how much I wanted too). It has been my life line. How my life is playing out seems in direct contradiction to His Word. I have felt very much like Job. He lost his servants, his livestock/livelihood, then his children, and finally his health (thank the Lord my situation has not been so dire). However, I can relate. Job didn’t get a chance to grasp one loss before another came his way. I understand when he says in Job 3:26, “I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” Job went through all this and He was blameless. It wasn’t his fault but Job finally came to a place where he could look his “friends” in the face and say, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him; but I will defend my own ways before Him.” Job 13:15.
In other words Job was saying, “even if I can find no peace in God right this moment, I will keep placing my hope and trust in Him. I may die soon but I will stand before Him knowing I have been a just and upright man. ” That is my remnant of faith. That is what I am holding on to. Even when it seems like God is not faithful, He is. Even when peace eludes me, He is my peace. Even when sickness keeps me flat on my back, I’m healed. Even when my prayers have gone unanswered for years, He hears. Etc. Etc.
We can hear sermons on faith but learning about faith and living faith is very different. Living a life of faith isn’t easy. Sometimes it isn’t pretty. I would like to tell you that I have walked through my valleys, with dignity and grace, holding firm to His Word and never wavering. I haven’t. Some days, I have done nothing but cry my way through the day with a “woe is me” attitude. Some days I have been quite upset with the very God who is my everything. Some days I have wanted to run away and others have found my soul in a dark pit of hopelessness. Nevertheless, I have held firm to what God’s word says. I have had to go back and reread His promises and put my trust in Him. The very definition of faith is believing in what we hope for even when we can’t see it (Hebrews 11:1). As my grandmother says, “I know that I know, that I know…” my redeemer lives. If He lives, then His Word is true and I will believe it in it’s entirety.
As I write this post, my circumstances haven’t changed, I am still facing rejection, heartache, stresses of life, and my physical body feels like crud. However, today I have won the battle in my mind and can stand firm in a faith that my God is in control. He is faithful to have people praying for me when I can’t pray for myself, and He answers prayer. The Lord says, that He will not place more on us than we can bare, and He has taken a spirit of heaviness from me so that I can lift up my head and see His Glory.
To all of you out there whose life seems in direct contradiction to the Bible, don’t give up. He is faithful even when peace eludes us. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Hold on. God has got you.